


A Timid Heart and Lovely Art

by eris_doesnt



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Anxiety, M/M, Past Abuse, Undecided Relationship(s), dan has secrets, fluff but then angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-23
Updated: 2016-05-30
Packaged: 2018-06-03 22:29:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 16,886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6629587
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eris_doesnt/pseuds/eris_doesnt
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan and this college boy Phil have been talking for 7 months, but Dan’s trust issues and past experiences make it difficult to commit to a relationship.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

“Is that a piano?” Dan read off the lagging websites chat box. 

“Yes, it is,” He responds aloof, quickly dashing out of his room, laptop in hand. He had a secret unspoken rule that he would only live stream in the living room, but he had to run into his bedroom to get his charger. He got this icky feeling when he showed his room, so he goes at all costs to make sure that even his adoring fans never saw it. 

“I don’t play for people, sorry.” He says as polite as he could.

Music was his thing.

It was the thing he turned to when he needed inspiration, when he felt sad, when he was bored. He fell in love with music when he was young and got his mother to teach him how to play. Even now, he doesn’t play in front of her. He didn’t share those intimate, raw, soft moments of a decrescendo’ing overture with anyone. Music was a constant, private thing in Dan’s life and he intended to keep it that way.

A few more “aw please”’s from the chat and Dan quickly changes the conversation.

Dan was fairly good at keeping his private life off of the internet. Sure, his job required him to be charismatic and have funny anecdotes about his life adventures... but his actual, real, non-scripted life was off-limits. He didn’t talk about his family, he didn’t talk about his lonely life in Manchester, and he definitely didn’t talk about the cute boy in London he’d been chatting to for 7 months.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so welcome to my first fanfic :-) i'm almost done w the last chapter, so i'll post new chapters every monday. it's pretty fluffy rn but it'll get dramatic and steamy soon so please stick around and i hope you like it!!


	2. Date

They start another Skype call, like all the ones before this bitter November day.

Phil talks about how his studies are going and his new favorite TV show. Dan talks about how his parents are coming to visit him next week for Thanksgiving. It’s a very normal not-100%-platonic relationship. Dan had visited Phil three times in London, each time more heated than the last. They would stay up for hours each night, giving pecks on cheeks and talking about the weird shit you talk about at 3 AM. They would get completely drunk off each others emotions. As far as the statement of their relationship goes, neither of them knew what was going on. Sloppy kisses were not uncommon when they were together, but as far as the sappy “we belong together” bullshit went, it was a bit of uncharted territory. Their dynamics gave off the feeling of friends with benefits, but lately Dan had been thinking more about how Phil makes his stomach tingle and brain swim.

Dan stiles a yawn. “So when are you coming down?” Trying to sound as casual as possible, as if inviting your kind-of boyfriend to stay at your house for the first time was a thing you did on the daily.  


“What?” Phil says, having genuinely not heard him.  


“I asked when you’re coming to my place,” Dan says, fiddling with something off camera, trying to hide his face.  


“Oh… I didn’t realize I’ve been invited.”  


“Consider this your cordial invitation.” Dan says, pulling a face, smiling at the camera.  


They set a date for 4 weeks from now, when Phil’s college break starts.  


A month can't go by fast enough for either of them.

 

The next month continues with their scheduled Sunday Skype calls. They talk to each other, picking up on the last conversation they texted. They were currently debating the kinds of technological advances Earth would have to make to get all of the cool gadgets in “ _Back to the Future._ " Phil brings Dan into the kitchen with him while he cooks.  


“What’re you making?” Dan inquires, dropping the previous banter.  


“Chicken fettuccine alfredo,” Phil replies, as he starts boiling the pasta noodles.  


“Sounds good,” Dan stretches on his office chair. “I had cereal,” He laughs. “I don’t cook very often.” He reconsiders his thought. “Well, I think I would cook more often if I knew how.”  


“I’ll teach you how to make this when I visit,” Phil says, turning toward the computer and smiling. “It’s pretty simple, and tasty too.”  


Dan smiled to himself. It was a nice thought, Phil in his kitchen.  


“What do you want to do while you’re in Manchester, by the way?”  


“Mmm,” Phil thinks, opening the alfredo can. “I hadn’t really thought about it, what do you suggest?”  


“We could go to this new art exhibit,” Dan thinks out loud.  


“We’ve also got to do Christmas.” Dan almost immediately regrets saying that, because he didn’t know if Phil had even got him a present, and he didn’t want him to feel like he had to just because Dan had.  


“Yeah, that’s a good idea,” Phil says (and Dan sighs of relief.) “Your present has just been sat under my tree for ages.” Dan smiles to himself. 

_So has yours._  


“Wait, didn’t you tell me you haven’t seen the new Jurassic movie?” Dan asks.  


“Oh yeah, no, I never saw it,”  


“Okay, well we’re seeing that, definitely.”  


Phil smiles to himself and laughs lightly while pouring a drink. Neither of them mention this would be their first date.

 

Anxiety bubbled in Dan’s stomach. Any minute now, the doorbell would ring and it would be the beautiful boy he only got to see on the internet (well, and those few times Dan travelled to London.) But this was still a big deal, having his favorite human in his space, looking and seeing his things the way he does and not just through a computer screen. Dan tidied up the house this morning, trying to make it look more presentable to guests. They agreed that a 6 day stay is just enough to fit in everything they wanted to do. Dan tries to calm down with some TV, but the only thing he can find is _Scream 2_ , which isn’t exactly notorious for helping with nerves. He considers a less natural alternative, walking to the refrigerator and pulling out a beer. But it was only 4 pm. What if Phil found day drinking repulsive? He shoves the bottle back in the carton and shuts the door, nerves be damned. Dan takes a deep breath.  


_Why am I nervous? Let’s do some pretentious self-diagnosing_ , he thinks to himself.  


_I’m nervous because I’m going on a date with my soulmate tonight_.  


He takes a second to think about that word. He was just being dramatic and cliche.  


_Woah, soulmate? Slow down Dan. Are you sure that’s the reason? Oh yeah, that can’t be it. The reason I’m nervous is because he might think it’s pretty weird how I occasionally pause in the middle of my kitchen and have a conversation with myself_.  


He sighs and turns back towards the lounge, walking around the corner to meet the grey couch and taking a seat. 

_It’s because of the not-quite-OCD-but-everything-has-to-be-perfect thing isn’t it?_ A voice in his head says. He shakes his head to try and drown out that thought.  


_Oh that? No, that isn’t a big deal_. Dan completely had control over his life, that’s for sure. He definitely didn’t have an internal twitch when things weren’t symmetrical or when his bed wasn’t made.  


_It’s the trust issues too, right?_  


Oh yeah maybe that, a little bit.  


He almost never let anyone in his life. In fact, only two people (other than relatives) have been in this flat, none of which have seen anything past than the lounge, kitchen and bathroom. He really liked Phil… but he couldn’t imagine breaking down those walls for anyone. Hell, sometimes he surprises himself with how secluded he is. Right in the middle of his self proclaimed self diagnosis, Dan gets a message from a Phil on his phone.  


“Where should I park?”  


Butterflies that he thought had gone away came back in a vicious, presumably cocoon-like, explosion in his stomach. What do you mean talking to yourself about your mental disorders didn’t make you calm, cool, and collected?  


He scrambles for a second, then takes a deep breath and texts Phil back.  


_I wonder what he thinks of Manchester so far. Did he see that one guitarist across the street that always plays really cool renditions of Kanye West songs? I wonder what he thought of him. Did he take note of his hair color? I think that’s a thing Phil would do. Does he like orange juice? That’s the only thing I have for a breakfast drink. Should I just presume he does? God no you idiot, what if he hates it? That would put him in such an awkward position, and I don’t want to do that. Okay wait, Phil is a human, he is my friend, and I think I can find the strength within me to ask about his preference in morning juices. Do I-_  


Dan’s rambled thoughts are immediately interrupted when he hears a jingle from the doorbell speaker in the room. Because he lived in apartments, there were stairs leading to the actual lounge door. He tries to not run as he gets to the outside door as quickly as possible. He takes the stairs two at a time, being careful to not have to explain that he wasn’t quicker getting to the door because he tripped.  


Before turning the door handle, Dan takes the quickest breath in to calm down. _It’s just Phil._  


Assaulted by the bright light and unpleasant gust of biting wind, Dan’s eyes struggle to readjust as he opens the door to a very tall Phil.  


"Hi!" The college boy says, coming in for a hug. _Seriously, did he get taller?_  


"Hey," Dan says, returning the quick hug. Phil’s jacket was cold against Dan’s chin.  


"Here let me help you," Dan says, picking up one of Phil's bags. They climb up the stairs together towards Dan's part of the complex.  


"How was the drive?" Dan inquires, trying to discreetly catch his breath because of the heavy bag and stairs.  


"It wasn't bad! Birmingham is actually really pretty," Phil replies.  


Dan sets the bag down to twist the doorknob and open it for him and Phil.  


They both enter the room, Phil following Dan. Dan watches as his companion admires the black furniture and wood floors, along with the dorky collectibles scattered about the room.  


"Oh wow! This is so cool," Phil says excitedly.

And there's that (only somewhat-metaphorical) breath Dan had been holding.  


"Thanks," Dan breathes. "This is where you'll sleep," he says, setting Phil's bag on the fold-out couch.  


_Oh,_ Phil thought. _I don't know why I expected to sleep in his bed. I guess the only reason we slept in my bed at home... is because there weren’t any other options?_  


Dan could sense something was off when Phil didn't reply immediately.  


"Oh um, I just... I'm really weird about this, but I don't like people… I don’t know, in my room."  


Phil blinks. "Oh that’s fine. I understand!" Phil’s heart picked back up, compliance in his nature.  


They are both quick to drop that heavy subject when Dan inches closer to Phil's face. Phil's hand finds Dan's and intertwines with it.  


"I've really missed you," Dan whispers, barely getting it out before pressing his lips against Phil’s cold ones. Dan could practically feel every bit of anxiety melt off his chest.  


"Me too," Phil laughs a little and smiles, kissing him again.  


Dan squeezes his hand and looks in his eyes lovingly, smiling back.  


“So,” Dan starts rubbing up and down Phil’s arms, “The movie starts at 6.”  


“Plenty of time to get settled in, then,” Phil remarks.  


Dan sighs contently as he pulls away from the other boy, small smile lingering on his mouth.  


“Unless you have a better idea?” Phil plays.  


“Oh yes, I have a ton of better ideas, but this one will do for now,” Dan flirts back.

 

An hour of catching up on stuff that you can’t really talk about over text, Dan scampers off to get ready for the movie (although, and he would never admit this to anyone, he had already spent 40 minutes working on his look just for when Phil arrived this morning.) This gives Phil some free time alone in Dan’s living room. He admires the variety in video game plushies, anime collections and books on his shelves. His dorm in London was nothing like this. It was tiny and he had to share a room with a boy that couldn’t stay sober. Phil spent most of his time avoiding him; he was too busy with his degree anyway. He was going to the Staffordshire University and was working on his Bachelor's in English.  


Dan was sometimes doubtful that he did the right thing (not going to college) but then he remembers how good his career in YouTube is and every unsure feeling dissipates. He also remembers that if he had gone to college, he probably wouldn't have started his YouTube channel and Phil wouldn't have found him. That's how they met; Phil commented on all of his videos and talked to him on Twitter until Dan starting talking back. They continued talking and flirting for about two months until Phil said that they should meet in person.  


Dan has mentioned to Phil a few times that he should start a channel too because of how creative he is, but he isn't sure yet. Phil is starting to lose interest in his degree, feeling more like pursuing a job in video editing would do more for him. He had helped Dan countless times over Skype with editing his YouTube videos, walking him through Final Cut Pro to get that perfect split duplicate shot. That's what Phil did in his free time- he would make short videos on his crappy camera and play around editing them for fun. It was therapeutic for him. Dan just found editing to be stressful.

Dan works on his look in his bathroom. He picked the outfit he was going to wear earlier, so now he was just brushing his teeth and fixing his hair. He was standing in the bathroom looking in the mirror, trying to get one piece of hair to stay planted. He feels the familiar tingling in his stomach again. It's like whenever he was next to Phil he was fine, but when he knew he was about to see him he couldn't stand the excitement. He runs his hands under warm water, making the slight nervous chill in his bones melt away. He wipes his hands on the towel nearby, turns off the light, and walks out into the hallway. Looking to his right, he sees Phil standing at his bookshelf admiring his manga collection.  


He notices Dan coming up behind and says, “Could you let me borrow Soul Eater?”  


Dan snakes his arms around the older boy's body and mumbles, “Yeah, sure,” into the back of his neck. Phil's cold hands lightly touch the knotted ones on his stomach.  


“You smell nice,” Phil says, laughing lightly.  


“Mm, thanks,” Dan says, ending his hug with a kiss to the spot he was talking to. _I'm so glad I got that cologne last week._  


Phil turns around and takes Dan's hand.  


“You look nice too,” Phil says, inspecting Dan’s jacket.  


“Keep up the compliments, it really inflates my minuscule ego,” Dan jokes.  


“You're just…” Phil examines Dan. “Stunning,” he says, kissing the left side of his jaw. Dan can feel his cheeks getting red.  


“Gorgeous,” kissing his other side.  


Dan briskly pushes his lips against Phil's, overwhelmed.  


He pulls away and lifts up Phil's hand wrapped around his and looks at it.  


“Yeah, you're not too bad either.”

 

They start out of the house and get in Phil's car, since Dan doesn't have his license. Dan plugs his phone into the aux cord and starts to play mutually loved music. They both sing along to the music, Dan occasionally pausing to give Phil directions.  


Dan imagines it sounds something like this:  
“I’m collaaaaaapsing in stellar clouds of gas, heeeeeal me, (turn right up here!) what words just can't convey, feeeeeel me, don’t let the sun in your heart decay!” With both of the boys singing their hearts out.  


When Dan sings, he gets into it. He uses his hands to dance along and recreate lyrics, uses facial expression to get the point across, and sings like he’s at a concert. Phil finds this adorable. He has to remind himself that if he keeps trying to stare at him, he’s going to crash the car. It’s a 15 minute drive to the theater, but they aren't even talking due to the screaming of lyrics. When they arrive, they totally act like a mini concert didn’t just take place.

When they’ve got their popcorn (Dan paid for Phil’s) and the tickets, they both naturally settle for a seat in the back. Dan detests public displays of affection, but when it’s a dimly lit half-full theater where no one can see you, a little hand holding couldn’t hurt.  


That is, until a big jump scare comes up and Dan’s hands fly up to his face, nearly knocking the popcorn onto the floor.  


“Jesus Christ!” Dan quickly exclaims. He looks over at Phil, who is laughing his ass off.  


He starts to laugh too and can’t really stop quietly giggling randomly for another 10 minutes.  


When the suspense for a jump comes up, Dan physically prepares himself by looking away.  


Phil decides to take a joking jab at him, and when it happens he whisper-yells, “Holy Spirit!”  


His only encourages Dan’s giggles. Dan is surprised the couple in front of them hasn’t said anything because this really isn’t one of those movies where it’s acceptable to laugh during a showing in the theater. The rest of the movie, Dan really gets into it, caring for what happens to that one particular dinosaur and how Chris Pratt is going to save the day. When it’s over, Dan realizes there’s one more trial for true friendship between him and Phil; does he clap at the end of movies? Dan holds his breath as the credits roll and lets it out as a wide eyed Phil doesn’t move his hands at all.  


“That was incredible!”  


_Yes, yes that was._  


All of the people from ages 7 to 70 spill out of the theater, bubbling about the movie. Dan isn't one of those people. He prefers to keep his opinion to himself for a few days to really examine the plot and special effects.  


“Trust me, it'll be all I talk about on Tuesday,” Dan jokes to Phil.  


Phil, on the other hand, didn't care too much about every detail, just if it kept him entertained. He rambles on about all of the references to the first movie and how “They couldn't have done it better!” until they get home. Dan just plays his music and is silently thankful for Phil's constant happiness.

 

They climb up the stairs that Dan has nicknamed Mt. Everest. It’s only nine o’clock, so that gives a little time for them to do something else before Phil declares that the four hours drive was tiring and that he wants to sleep (Phil’s words, not Dan’s).  


Dan suggests they play video games and no complaints were heard.  


After 2 hours of playing Mario Kart, Phil retires after his fourth Grand Prix loss.  


“Aw, don’t be a sore loser,” Dan picks at him.  


Phil yawns and stands, setting the controller on the table.  


“I am so not. I’m just tired!” Phil laughs and drifts away to the kitchen.  


“I know,” Dan grins as he moves the cushions off the couch to make the fold-out bed.  


After Phil gets his glass of water and walks off to the bathroom to brush his teeth.  


Phil walks back into the living room and _oh I almost forgot about that._  


Dan finishes putting the sheets on the bed and turns to greet Phil again. He smiles sleepily at him. Dan grabs his hip and presses a kiss to his lips.  


“Hope you sleep well,” Dan says as he turns to walk down the hallway into his room. In Phil’s opinion, sleeping with Dan in his arms was one the best parts about their time together. _I shouldn’t push him, but I don’t think I’ll sleep very well knowing he’s in the next room._  


“You too,” Phil says quietly.  


Phil sits on the sofa bed and thinks about everything that happened today. He blinks a few times, trying to sort it all out, but decides his brain needs sleep first. He turns out the light and gets under the cold covers. It doesn’t take him long to fall asleep.  


Dan, on the other hand, can’t sleep.  


His mind won't stop running a million things. He was wondering if he said everything right, if he made a fool out of himself when he was being purposefully obnoxious for entertainment, and if Phil was having a good time. He closes his eyes, telling himself _there's no way I can sit here too long with my eyes closed without falling asleep._  


But how wrong he was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this kind of feels like an AU bc their lives are kinda switched atm but i didn't plan it that way lmao   
> comments are appreciated :-)
> 
> (i feel like this is a rly boring chapter but it gets real interesting trust)


	3. Sorry

Phil wakes up at seven with a stretch of his arms over his head. He knows that this is not the usual time for the Howell household to be up-and-at-’em, so he finds the remote in all of the covers and quietly flips through channels. But it is 7 AM on a Monday morning, so all he finds is cartoons and kid’s learning shows. He strikes gold and sees that Pokemon is on.  


_Sweet._  


Not even a minute that Phil is getting into it, he thinks he hears Dan’s door open. He peers his neck to see around the wall and, no doubt, there is a blanket walking towards Phil. Dan’s head is barely popped out of the top of the duvet, the rest of it wrapped around him like a burrito.  


Without a word, Dan lays facing the TV, putting his head in Phil’s lap.  


Phil’s fingers idly play with the curly brown hair.  


Phil hears Dan say something incoherently.

“What’s that?” Phil asks. 

“Couldn’t sleep,” Dan mumbles back, eyes drooping shut. “You’re comfy.”  


“Then go to sleep,” Phil says, twirling a piece of hair around his finger.  


So Dan does. 

 

He wakes up an hour later, in the same position he remembers falling asleep in. Dan sucks in a quick breath and yawns it out, tensing up his legs and torso. He sighs and rolls over a bit to look up at Phil.  


“Good morning,” Phil says, smiling slightly.  


Dan gives a small chuckle. “Sorry about probably making your legs numb.”  


Dan was right, Phil hasn't really felt his legs in 15 minutes. Dan sits up, blanket still encapsulating him.  


“It's fine,” Phil says. He leans over to the sleepy boy and presses a kiss to his cheek. “You look so cute when you sleep.”  


Dan didn't really know why, but that comment rubbed him the wrong way. It just sounded familiar in a bad way.  


Dan does his best to let it not bother him as he stands, walking to the kitchen.  


“Have you had breakfast?” Dan asks Phil.  


“No,” Phil replies. He stands and his knees buckle a bit from the slight numbness.  


“Oh, I have an idea. We can go to this little breakfast place down the street,” Dan says as he grabs a glass of water.  


“It's really close, we can walk.” He adds.  


“Do they have waffles?” Phil's asks.  


“Yes.”  


“I'm in.”

 

After the boys walks to the place that Dan has a “regular” at, they decide to sit down and discuss the day's activities.  


“So, you know how I mentioned an art museum that one time?” Dan asks.  


“Yeah, I remember. I actually read up on it a bit,” Phil says. He stuffs a bit of waffle in his mouth. “Manchester Art Gallery, right?” He asks.  


“Yeah, that’s the one.”  


“It looks really cool.”  


“My friend PJ -you know him, right?- went there over the summer and said he came back all inspired and artsy and crap,” Dan laughs a bit.  


Phil enthusiastically nods and he continues eating.  


“When do you want to go?” Phil asks. Dan grabs his coffee mug and takes a small sip.  


“We can just hang out and then go later this afternoon if that’s fine,” Dan ponders. “Oh, that reminds me, I have to show you this new series I found.”  


Phil smiles and nods again. “Sounds perfect to me.”

 

A ball of legs and arms has morphed onto Dan’s couch. They’ve been watching netflix, but after the second episode Dan stopped the autoplay so he could pay attention to the lips on his. Dan moves away and pulls down Phil's collar to kiss his clavicle.  


“That was good,” Phil murmurs.  


“The episode?” Dan mutters.  


“Well,” Phil giggles. “That too.”  


“Well aren't you just cheeky?” Dan laughs and sits up.  


Phil does the tongue thing between his teeth that Dan loves.  


“Well, you wanna go now?” Dan asks.  


Phil sits up and fixes his hair with "Yeah sure. How much is it to get in?" He asks idly, reaching to get his wallet out of the bag on the floor.  


"Oh don't worry about it, I've got you." Dan says.  


Phil almost protested but, well, money wasn't particularly plentiful with Phil right now, and that was his only hesitation with the museum.  


"You sure?" Phil asks mostly himself.  


Dan reassures him and they leave. 

 

_Wow._  


_Look at that._  


"Look at that," Dan says, pointing to a sculpture. It was made of bent wire and it was the posterior of a man stretching his back. It was captivating to see how it only made sense in one direct spot.  


"That's so cool," Phil says. This kind of thing was almost hard for him. He wanted to touch everything.  


Dan was really good at appreciating. He appreciated the little things like the random streaks of blue in this one painting to his left, the absolute emotion of the sculpture in the lobby.  


More of the wire work was place to the right and they both admired those too. There's another one of two hands intertwined together. Phil looks with a little more admiration than the last. Dan moves to see it perfect. The mechanism of almost have to work to see the art is still impressive to Dan. Phil slides his hand into Dan's.  


Dan twitches inside. _Ugh. So we covered the clapping at the end of movies, but really, he likes PDA?_ That was one of Dans biggest pet peeves. He couldn't stand seeing people kissing and holding each other in public. It felt wrong. That kind of intimacy was for the ones involved only, not for anyone that happens to be near. Dan decides to get out of it conveniently by going up the stairs. And it works. Phil trails behind him, completely unlinked at the arms. They both gaze at another sculpture of a completely white angel with black paint being poured on its head. 

And there it is again, that unfamiliar squeeze from Phil's hand against his own. Dan tugs a little uncomfortably but Phil doesn't notice.  


"Stop, Phil," Dan tries to whisper.  


"Huh?" He didn't hear him well.  


"Let go of me," Dan jerks his hand back like he was wounded.  


Dan can feel the eyes on him.  


"Um, please," Dan adds a little too late.  


Phil looks at Dan for a split second and scoffs. He crossed his arms and drifts away to look another painting. Dan sighs resentfully. Why was Phil getting pouty?  


He walks over after a second. Maybe we can forget that happened. "I love this," Dan whispers.  


"Mmhmm," Phil answers, short.  


_It didn't happen if you don't think about it._  


"Oh, did you tell me you wrote a paper on this sculpture?" Dan inquires.  


"Yep." Phil replies.  


Dan desperately tries to make eye contact to break the wall Phil has suddenly built.  


"Phil..." He tries.  


"Let's just go." Phil retorts, walking out of the room. Dan trails Phil until they get back on the street.  


"Are you hungry?" Dan asks. Phil shrugs. Dan tries to keep his calm because _I'm not in the wrong._  


"Pizza sound good?" Dan asks quietly.  


Phil sighs. Look like he wasn't getting an apology just yet.  


"Sure."

 

Dan hails a cab and holds the door for Phil to climb in. He tells the driver the address of the little pizzeria four streets down.  


Once inside, Dan orders a large half cheese, half pepperoni and said . They pick a booth in the back corner. They haven't talked since the museum.  


"Um..." Dan starts. "I'm sorry I yelled."  


Phil let's an unbelieving scoff. "Oh yeah, that sounds real genuine." He says, staring at the door.  


"I..." Dan looks at the ground, searching for words. "I'm so bad at apologies, I always have been."  


"I didn't mean to hurt you. I just..." He shudders a bit. "Public affection just makes me feel icky."  


"Then why didn't you just say that?" Phil says, finally talking, trying to not get heated. "I mean I thought you were, I don't know... just forget about it." He looks in the distance. 

"Phil, what is it?" Dan tries to make eye contact. Phil finally slowly meets his eyes. "Please." Dan whispers.

Phil takes a deep breath. "I thought you were embarrassed to be with me." 

_Oh,_ Dan thinks. _This was much more than my outburst._  


"Why would I be embarrassed to be with you?" Dan asks incredulously.  


"Just forget about it."  


The waiter conveniently brought them their drinks right as he says that. Dan plays with the straw wrapper.  


"I don't want to just forget about it," Dan whispers. He was partially talking about Phil being insecure, and partially about how he had the need to sweep it all under the rug.  


"No, we should talk about it." Dan reassures himself.  


"Why do you think that?" He asks.  


Phil sighs. "I mean... I think you can do better."  


Dan narrows his eyes. "What? Phil, don't say that."  


Phil shrugs and traces a bead of condensation on the cup.  


Dan grabs his hand. "I don't like this." He picks up their intertwined hands." Dan squeezes his hand, staring into Phil's eyes.  


He slowly pulls back his own hand.  


“It doesn't mean I don't like you.”  


Phil blushes and ducks his head.  


"I'm sorry for not just telling you." Dan murmurs.  


"It's okay." Phil replies and smiles. "Just please don't do it again." He laughs and the tension has immediately melted.  


Dan sighs of relief. One of these days his sharp mouth will get him in serious trouble again.  


They make small talk (Dan brings up the sculpture Phil wrote a paper on again and lets him explain) until the pizza is placed on the table exactly 15 minutes later.  


At one point Phil asks, "Can I have some of your sausage?"  


And Dan replies, "Yeah, you can."  


Phil jokingly slaps him on the hand lightly, but Dan flinches and retreats his arm under the table.  


_Shit. I hope he didn't notice._  


Phil just happily picks up the pizza.  


_Thank god._  


They finish eating and Dan is staring at something in space.  


"What are you thinking about?" Phil asks, expecting a deep answer.  


Dan squints his eyes.  


"I'm an absolute fucking child, but I really want one of those little toys in a capsule," Dan says, wiggling his finger at the toy machine in the corner.  


Phil chuckles to himself. That's just what happens with Dan, one second he's talking about afterlife and the next he's giddily talking about silly things. Phil admires that kind of complexity in a person. Before Phil can ask what he's doing, Dan is walking over to the corner. He is fishing two coins out of his pocket and putting them in the slots. Two turns on the knob and a small sphere containing a toy comes out at the bottom. He repeats this process again until he is walking back to the table with two capsules. He sets one down in front of Phil and takes his seat again.  


"Well, gee, thanks!" Phil says mockingly but actually touched he got him one too.  


Dan pulls to top off of his and sees a plastic turtle keychain.  


"Aw, well this is cute." Dan coos and dangles it from his index finger.  


Phil opens his and unfolds out a nice sized peacock sticker.  


"Man, I wish the prizes in these thing we're this good when we were kids." Phil laughs to himself.  


"Hey look," Dan places the toy next to each other. "It's us."  


"Huh?" Phil was confused. He was not a peacock.  


"You're all ambitious and colorful like a peacock. And I'm quiet and shy like a turtle." He pauses. "I also don't like running." Both of the boys laugh and they take back their respective toys.  


"I _am_ sorry," Dan says randomly.  


Phil is taken aback by the suddenness of takes a second.  


"Yeah. I know."

 

They trudge into the house, cold from the small flurries of snow outside. Dan peels off his coat and starts up the fireplace while Phil goes to the bathroom.  
“Do you want hot chocolate?” Dan calls to him.  


“Yes please!” Phil yells back.  


Dan smiles to himself, happy to have Phil in his home like this. It's all very domestic and odd but it's something Dan could see himself getting used to.  


He prepares the mugs of hot cocoa and sets them on the coffee table while Phil flips through channels on the love seat. Dan decides to make up for his little outburst earlier and make this a moment. Dan looks in the utility closet near the bathroom and pulls out a furry white blanket. He turns the corner and turns off the lights, leaving the only source of light to the fireplace and TV.  


“Dan?” Phil asks, confused by the sudden outage.  


Dan strolls into the living room and pick up the remote off the end table. He switches the television off and sits in the corner of the couch closest to the fireplace and pats the spot next to him for Phil to sit.  


Phil laughs a little at the cheesiness but complies nevertheless. He curls up next to Dan resting his head on his shoulder, and the younger boy slings his arm around him. He then takes the big blanket in his hands and unfolds it to cover both of them. Dan hands him his cup and grabs his own.  


This short gesture gives Dan the chance to admire how beautiful Phil’s eyes are in the reflection of the orange fire. Even just admire how beautiful he is in general. Phil constantly expresses what he thinks of Dan’s appearance, but Dan can’t recall telling Phil what he thinks of him. Maybe he’ll tell him tonight. Phil catches him staring.  


“You must feel pretty bad,” Phil jokes.  


“I’m sorry,” Dan whispers.  


“I know you are.” Phil kisses his shoulder. “It’s okay,” Phil murmurs, bringing his cup to his face to sip.  


Dan follows suit, still staring at Phil, who’s staring at the fire. _Seriously when did he get this pretty? Look at those cheekbones. And his eyelashes casting a shadow on those pale cheeks. His lips are such a lovely color._  


Phil looks up at him again. _Damn it, I was just getting to the good part._  


“What?” Phil says with a small smile.  


“You’re just…” Dan searches for a word. “...Completely captivating.”  


“Captivating?” Phil laughs lightly. Dan is almost offended that he laughed off the word he looked so hard for. But then he realized saying someone was captivating isn’t exactly the greatest compliment made by man.  


“You’re... “ Dan shakes his head. Every other word bumping into his brain was inadequate. So he just decides to say them all. “Gorgeous, brilliant, beautiful, wholesome, breathtaking, wonderful, forgiving, warm, exceptional, marvelous,” Dan’s eyes scan his face. Phil isn’t smiling anymore, realizing how serious Dan is.  


“So you’re all of that and more… and that’s just captivating to me.”  


Dan can barely get the sentence out before Phil is lurching forward to press their lips together. The kiss starts forceful and rushed. Phil sits up on top of Dan's lap, legs on either side of his. His warm hands crawl up under Dan's shirt, giving him chills. At this point both of the boys have hastily abandoned their cups to the table, hands (and mouths) too busy right now. Dan’s hands tangle in Phil's black hair, needing him closer. Phil's hands feel Dan's stomach and the curvature of his ribs. The intensity eventually dies a little more, resulting in slow, sweeter kisses.  


“You're all of-” Phil gets cut off by a kiss “-of that too,” Phil pants. Dan isn't in the mood to talk anymore.  


But of course, Phil insists.  


“You're beautiful and amazing and marvelous too,” Phil whispers on his lips.  


Dan shakes his head and dips in for a small peck.  


“Not as near in the same extremities as you,” He whispers back.  


“Don't say that,” Phil murmurs, getting even more serious. Dan looks confused. That's what he really thinks, that Phil is a galaxy and Dan is just a ball of anxiety and paranoia and timidness. And so Phil was magnificent and Dan was just… Dan. When Phil said those kinds of things, Dan thought he was wrong (because those were Phil's words, those were his adjectives) but that didn't make the fuzzy feeling in his stomach any better.  


After a second of thinking of how to reply to that, Dan gives up and just kisses him again. And then again.  


“Thank you,” Dan says. He pecks him again. “You're sweet.”  


Phil rests his head on Dan's shoulder. Dan's hands begin to rub Phil's back. His nails scrape up and down his spine and then up to his shoulder blades and sides. Dan begins to feel Phil go completely limp and his breathing gets slow. Dan maneuvers Phil's legs so that Dan can fall to his left and they will both be laying down comfortably. On this couch, the way they're laying reminds him of how they slept the first time they met in real life.

 

~

Dan looks at his phone. It’s 3 PM, July 22nd. How did he get to this point in his life? First he was just talking to a random stranger who liked his videos online. Then it turned into “we should Skype!” Then that turned into 3 months of weekly talking, up until a point last month when Phil just blurts out, “You should come visit sometime!” and they both take it serious. That magic moment leads to now. Now is the end of a three hour bus ride to London where Dan will finally meet Phil. Dan imagines it’ll be nothing short of a chick flick moment.

 

Phil gets a message on his phone.  


“Do me a favor”  


“Look outside your peephole and make sure I’m standing there”  


Phil hops up out of his chair and opens the door. Dan -in the actual, real, flesh- is standing in his dorm hallway. The fan in him can’t help but bubble it’s way out.  


“Oh my god!” Phil almost yells, throwing his arms around the younger boy. “You’re here! You’re real!” Phil realizes these are the cliche "meeting your idol” phrases, but he can’t help but think it’s a bit of a different situation, because Dan is in his actual home.  


“And you too!” Dan says, laughing, only slightly making fun of him.  


Phil moves out of the doorway to let Dan come inside.  


“As I said, my roommate is out of town, so we get the whole two rooms to ourselves!” Phil laughs. Dan knew dorms were notoriously tiny, but he didn’t think they were this tiny. Dan couldn’t imagine sharing this space with another person.  


Phil’s tidy bed was to the right and his roommate (Matt?)’s bundle of sheets was on the left. In the uppers corners, they both had a desk and a tiny storage space.  


“Great,” Dan says enthusically. He then realizes how sexual it sounds without context as he says it.  


“B-because of how small it is, I mean,” Dan blushes. “I couldn’t imagine being here with another person,”  


_Doh._  


“I mean- it’s not suitable for three people,” Dan sits down on Phil’s bed and exhales. One look at Phil's face and he realizes that he is the only one who found that mildly sexual in the first place.  


“Obviously,” He mutters to himself. _What a fucking train wreck._  


Phil has to stop himself from absolutely bursting out laughing.  


“You alright?” Phil says, patting Dan’s shoulder and laughing lightly.  


“Just peachy,” Dan replies, shaking his head and laughing at himself.

 

Dan made it his personal mission to memorize Phil. The way his skin crinkles when he laughs, what his fingers feel like when they brush his wrist, his posture when he sits, everything. 

He was just an animated person, he was fascinating. He also made it his personal mission to win every game. They were playing a variety of multiplayer game, like Mario and Portal 2. And Dan was was great at them all. He has this kind of natural sense of being the best, winning was never really a problem for him. And whenever Phil would lose (aka, not solving the portal puzzle the fastest or losing in a race) he would have to take a shot of Malibu. Halfway through the marathon, Dan starting drinking a bit just because he hadn't had any all night.  


"Are you trying to get me wasted?" Phil giggles.  


"Are you trying to lose?" Dan jokes back.  


"Hey!" Phil playfully punches Dan's arm. Flinch.  


“You ready to get some sleep?” Phil yawns. Dan sleepily nods and sneaks a peek at the alarm clock on the table.  


_3:34 AM._  


“So… um, you can sleep in Matt’s bed if you want, or on the floor in this sleeping bag I have,” Phil says spitting out ideas. Dan just waits for the one he wants to hear.  


“Or… we can try to squeeze on my bed?” Phil says quietly, not sure if Dan is up for the idea.  


Dan yawns, acting as casual as possible. “Yeah, I think we can do it.”  


Phil tries to hide his blush.

The boys get ready for bed with the brushing of teeth and the swapping of contacts for glasses. Dan finally climbs into bed first, back against the wall. Phil walks back into the room and turns off the light, trying to not fall on the way to his bed. He slides in next to Dan and pushes his back unnecessarily close to him (even though he had a good 5 inches he could move forward without hanging off the twin sized bed.)  


“Looks like we’re gonna have to spoon to make this work,” Dan whispers.  


“Oh God, not that,” Phil says, voice dripping with sarcasm.  


Dan laughs lightly and slings his arm over Phil’s torso. Phil’s hand reaches to play with Dan’s fingers. Dan cranes his neck to softly press a kiss to the back of Phil’s neck. A shutter flies through Phil’s bones, feeling it in his shin’s and his forearms. He freezes a few seconds, shocked that actual Dan Howell just kissed his neck. Phil brings Dan’s hand tangled in his to his lips and kisses Dan’s palm. Dan turns his hand towards Phil’s and loosely intertwines their fingers together. And that’s how they sleep.

Except for when they wake up, Phil is facing Dan and their foreheads are nearly touching.

The sheer shock of closeness is enough to make Dan jump when he opens his eyes.

~ 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> climatic and cute ooo stay tuned next week gets saucy and comments are appreciated thanks :-0 (also ~ is a flashback begin/end in case u couldn't tell ok bye)


	4. Christmas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gets just a lil smutty just a warning

Dan didn't sleep all too great. His legs didn't quite fit on this sofa along with his body and head and a whole other person. He’d woken up three times before this time, needing to pee increasingly more throughout the night, but he couldn't move. His arm is trapped under Phil's neck, slightly tingling. He can see the clock with the help of the dim light of the sunrise. Dan makes a rude executive decision that, yes it had been 8 hours, and Phil is plenty well rested if he does wake up when he tries to move.

Dan careful works his legs out of the blanket. _No movement. Nice._ Only one of his arms was stuck in the Phil Trap, so now came the hardest part. Dan starts to pull his arm. Still a sleeping Phil. He gets his elbow back. _This is going GREAT._

That is, until Phil sucks in a huge breath, turns over and slings his arm over Dan. Dan lets out a breath. There's no way this getting out of this now with Phil clinging to him like a monkey.

_But dammit I've still gotta try. For my bladder._

Dan maneuvers his arm to pick up Phil's and put it back in his respective territory. Dan tries a new approach. He gets some footing on the arm rests and grabs the one above his head. He arches his back and lifts his body up.

_Can't go left or right? Just be a fucking ninja and go up._

He slings on leg over the back of the couch with a silent _oh shit OW_ and finally, he is free.

He stands and resists doing a total “I just nailed that double bar jump with a twist” by throwing his hands in the air. Just barely resists. He scampers off to the bathroom and when he comes back he sees Phil sitting. When they make eye contact Phil laughs and says, “I thought you were asleep.” Dan slaps a hand to his face, laughing.

“That was pretty impressive, though,” Phil giggles, doing that thing with his tongue that Dan finds really cute.

 

This was the one day the boys hadn’t planned.

Dan literally (save that one trip to the bathroom) hasn't left this spot on the couch in 17 hours.

That was a combined total of sleeping here last night and cannonballing 2 (going on 3) Lord of the Rings movies.

Phil was on DVD switch and food duty, leaving Dan in the comfortable but probably unhealthy sofa crease. Ah, content is a picture of Dan Howell right now.

Dan breathes in deep and scoots closer to Phil. His arms snake under and around the pale, warm torso.

“‘M cold,” Dan mumbles, sinking deeper into the blankets. Phil puts his arms around the others’ shoulders, focused on the movie.

Dan pushes up the hem of Phil's shirt and starts drawing circles on his hip.

"I'm trying to watch a movie," Phil whispers. Dan looks up at him innocently and replies, “Yeah, me too." This doesn't stop his "innocent" fingers from dipping into his hip bones.

Dan can recall the first time they fooled around.

 

~

They had been making out on Phil's bed for 10 minutes. Phil's hand gently pushes on Dan's shoulder, leaving Dan on his back with Phil straddling his hips. Both of the boys were giving their silent thanks that his roommate was out partying. Phil starts kissing on his neck and collarbone, making Dan sigh. Phil’s hands caress Dan’s bare stomach, and around his body to anchor himself on his hip. Then, suddenly, Phil slows down the tempo and fierceness. He pulls away and looks into Dan’s eyes, then swoops back in, deep and hot and slow. Dan tongue slips into Phil’s mouth. It was incredibly intimate; Dan was sure they had never kissed like this before. Then Phil shifts his hand to palm Dan through his boxers.

Dan goes completely stiff. His lips stop moving, fists balled, and eyes fly open.

 _Shit. Why did I do that?_ Dan thinks.

“Hey, hey,” Phil panics, moving away from his lips. His hand instantly moves to cup his face.

“Are you okay?” The dark haired boy whispers. It’s hard to see in the dim light, but Phil can tell he isn’t comfortable.

“I'm fine, really." Is what he wants to say. But all he can get out is a shuddering breath, nodding.

“It’s just me,” Phil breathes. Dan nods again. “It’s just me…” Phil traces a fingertip over Dan’s soft cheek.

“Do you want this?” Phil asks, soft. Dan is almost taken aback with how gentle he is- but then again, he couldn’t imagine him being any other way.

 _Dear God,_ “Yes,” Dan exhales.

“I just wanna make you feel good,” Phil mutters as he kisses Dan deep again. Dan’s eyes close. “Will you let me?” He kisses his collarbone again. Dan tilts his head back, giving Phil control.

~

 

That was the first time Phil experienced Dan's timid nature. That was upon their third real life meeting, and Dan only stayed 3 nights that time. Ever since that night (and the following morning, when Dan explained his trust issues) Phil has been completely understanding. 

Once Dan’s mini flashback in his own private mind theater is over, he decides that he wants to repay Phil for his concern and “generosity", now.

Dan fingers innocently tap on Phil’s stomach where his hand rested. Phil is too entranced in Frodo to pay attention. Dan’s “innocent” fingers drag the hem of his shirt up, making Phil tense a bit from the light tickle.

“Dan,” Phil says in a voice that sounds eerily similar to the one Dan used to hear when he got caught doing something he wasn’t supposed to.

“Phil,” Dan replies in the same voice.

“What are you doing?” Phil whispers, eyes glued to the TV.

“Nothing, no, don’t mind me.” Dan murmurs. "Unless you _do_ mind?" Dan looks at Phil, completely serious.

Phil looks over at Dan. "'Course not." He mumbles.

His fingers slide under his boxer hem and Phil shudders a little from the unexpected sensitive touch.

His cold fingers wrap around his dick and Phil sucks in a breath through his teeth. Phil’s legs tense from the uncomfort.

“Your hand is freezing,” Phil complains.

“Hey Mr. Pessimist,” Dan starts.

Dan starts pumping his dick, moving slow for traction.

The tension in his legs starts to melt and is replaced by that familiar pleasure as Dan’s hand gets warmer. Phil sighs and leans deeper into the couch. Dan is getting his way. He pulls Phil’s member out of his boxers. He continues to pump his dick slowly until he hears the tiniest huff from Phil and picks up the tempo. Neither of them are talking and their eyes are still focused on the TV.

Dan starts doing short quick motions, accompanied with a quick swipe over the head.

Phil eyes slip shut as he groans something lower than Dan had heard from him before, and he would point it out if it weren’t so damn sexy.

After a couple of more minutes Dan notices Phil’s breath getting more shallow and his dick getting harder. Phil moves his shirt up so the cum won’t get on it.

Phil finally breaks the silence with a noisy shudder. His mouth goes slack and he groans as the white substance covers his stomach in strings.

_Okay, that was hotter than I remember._

He lets out one final sigh and looks at Dan.

Dan smirks. “That was my repay for that other time,”

“Oh yeah?” Phil sighs. “I figured it was too nice to come out of the blue." Phil gives him that stellar post-orgasm lazy smile. 

Dan retorts, “Oh of course it could've, I'm a saint,” then reaches to the end table for some tissues.

He hands them to Phil and he wipes up the mess, tossing the soiled ones in the bin. Phil turns to Dan, officially abandoning the movie when their lips connect.

“Can I do you another favor?” Phil whispers.

Before receiving an answer, he’s on his knees between Dan’s legs, shimmying his sweatpants down.

_Oh yeah, you can do me a favor anytime._

 

After that fortunate blow job, Phil's stomach growls and Dan just can't help laughing from the irony. Phil decides that yes, 4 PM is a great time to have dinner.

“Can we eat now?” He giggles in Dan's lap.

“Yeah, sure.” Dan laughs. “What do you want?”

“Well I was thinking I could make that fettuccine,” Phil says. Dan stomach growls at the thought of creamy alfredo and savory chicken.

“That sounds amazing, yes go do that.”

With a quick kiss, Phil scampers off.

 

Dan can't stand it any longer.

Phil is in the kitchen making dinner and Dan is just sat on the couch being mocked by the Christmas tree in front him. He glares at the boxes and weighs the pros and cons of eating first versus giving and receiving presents.

“It's ready!” Phil says.

“Come here!” Dan calls.

“What?”

“Get in here!” Dan says from the couch. Phil shuffles out of the kitchen to see Dan with three presents on his lap next to the fireplace. Dan smiles one of those completely genuine happy smiles and pats the spot next to him.

“Oh! Now?” Phil says, walking over to Dan's small Christmas tree to retrieve his presents for Dan.

“Yes, now,” Dan says. “I was getting impatient looking at these all day.”

“Completely understandable,” Phil says while sitting down. “I mean looking at this wrapping,” Phil kids on himself. He pulls at one of the loose flaps on his present to Dan. “It's just so irresistible,” Phil laughs.

Dan resists a bad pun and shoves a really small box at him.

“Open, open!” Dan says, reminding Phil of a five year old on Christmas.

“Alright, okay!” Phil grabs the present from his hand and slides the finger under the tape on the side. He lifts the lid off and moves some wrapping paper.

What he sees is shocking. It's something he never expected to get from Dan.

It's an SD card.

Phil starts forming a sentence and thinks carefully.

“Thanks! I could always use more of these,” He tries to say genuinely.

“Yeah, no problem.” Dan says. _Don't laugh, don't you fucking laugh, Howell._

“Alright, your turn.” Phil hands him one of his two presents. Phil tries to be more positive, but at this rate, Dan will be much happier this Christmas than Phil.

Dan rips the wrapping paper off the paper box. He lifts the lid and picks up a jacket.

“Oh, this is so cool!” Dan says, admiring the dark green color and unconventional zips.

“Thank you,” Dan says. He leans into Phil and kisses his jaw.

Phil beams. _Oh well, who cares if I get weird presents. It's all worth it see Dan this happy._

“Okay, here you go,” Dan says, handing Phil another medium box.

Phil scratches at the paper until it catches and gives it one big rip.

It's an empty picture frame.

_What the hell, Dan?_

“Thanks,” Phil says. _You could've sounded a bit more enthusiastic._

Dan almost laughs. Almost.

Phil hands Dan his last present, which is the largest of any of the few they have exchanged, still only about as tall as a forearm.

Dan tears off the wrapping paper and sees a glimpse of the back.

His jaw drops and he looks at Phil.

“Is this what I think it is?” Dan rips the rest of and turns it over.

He starts laughing and smiling, looking at the limited edition Guild Wars 2 Rytlock figure.

“Hey! This means you're the asshole I was cussing out for pre-ordering the last one!” Dan laughs. He remembers how he was on Skype call with Phil until 12 AM, trying to get that precious spot in the pre order, but his internet stopped; and when it came back on they were sold out. Dan almost feels guilty, because he knows what Phil must be thinking. Dan knew how much these were worth.

“Okay, last one!” Dan says and gives Phil the last medium sized box.

“Oh,” Phil says, taken aback by the weight. Well, I know it's not a flash drive.

Phil rips the paper off and gapes.

_Oh my god._

It all starts to click. The SD card, the picture frame.

“Dan…” Phil says wearily. He looks at Dan who is smiling.

“Well?” Dan asks.

Phil stares at the bright red logo that says “ _Canon Rebel T5i_ ”

“This is too much,” Phil whispers. _This thing is well over $500._

“It's so you can start your own channel,” Dan says, smiling with adoration.

“I…I can't accept this,” Phil shakes his head. But Dan wasn't about to tell him that's okay.

“Phil, don't worry about it,” Dan says.

Phil just stares at it, trying to hide his complete excitement. This is the best gift he could imagine. Dan just handed him a future, a career, a creative outlet. Words couldn't express how Phil felt.

“Most people say thank you,” Dan whispers jokingly.

Phil looks up at Dan for the first time in a few moments. He throws his arms around the other boy and mumbles, “Thank you. Thank you, thank you so much,” into Dan's neck.

Dan laughs and wraps his arms around.

Dan presses a kiss to his cheek. Phil pulls back and connects their lips together.

“Merry Christmas, baby,” Dan whispers against his lips.

A rush goes through Phil's body. This was the first time Dan had called him babe, baby, or any other variation of an adoring pet name.

“Merry Christmas,” Phil breathes back.

“So let's fill this picture frame,” Dan says, pulling away from Phil's face.

Phil takes the box and fools with the cardboard flaps until he gets the bulky camera out. Dan works on the SD card package. Phil takes off the plastic bags and opens the card compartment, taking it from Dan to push in. He turns on the camera.

Dan scoots closer to Phil to get in frame. Phil awkwardly curves his hand to point the lens at them and still be able to press the button. They both smile, but then the flash nearly blinds them.

“Ow! Oh my god turn the flash off,” Dan says while he laughs, pressing his palms into his eyes.

Phil looks at the picture and bursts out laughing. He shows Dan the picture of the two boys with squinted eyes and horrified mouths. Dan starts to laugh too, and Phil snaps a picture of that. Now he got his own picture, not one he had to share with the Internet in a video.

Dan saw that and snatches the camera from Phil's hands, turning it toward them as he smashes their lips together mid-laugh. Then they take another with them just smiling.

“Ugh, Dan I'm hungry,” Phil laughs between a kiss.

“Okay, okay, let's eat.”

 

It's been two hours since the empty plates have been abandoned to the table and replaced with a bottle of Malibu.

Dan is a giggly buzzed. He thinks everything is funny and laughs and literally anything, even worse than when he's sober. Phil is a sappy drunk. He thinks about life and death and why there's humans on this earth and what we did to deserve dogs. It's really not uncommon for Phil is start crying when he's had too much. This combo of conflicting moods is making the evening a little more bumpy than Dan had planned. How was he supposed to know Phil would get all super appreciative of his own oxygen? They're sitting on the floor, because obviously their butts are just too good for the couch and somehow that always happens when you're drunk. You might reach down to get something, and just never stand back up. It just happens.

They're playing a game Dan made up. They shuffle random songs on each other's phones and try to guess it the quickest. It's already hard sober, and even worse tipsy. Dan is doing much better than Phil, knowing his music better than the back of his hand. Phil, on the other hand, has 100 songs on his phone and is still struggling to recognize the first chord of “Call Me Maybe.”

“Oh c’mon, Phil,” Dan says, giving a look of disbelief. “It's so easy.” Phil is looking at the ceiling, mouth open ready to sing the lyrics.

“Wishing well…” He laughs at himself blanking on the lines. “My way!” He yells, remembering that one. Dan nods approvingly.

“Yeah, yeah, what's the song?”

“Call Me Baby!” Phil says with full confidence.

“Uh…” Dan considers not giving it to him, but he was so proud of himself.

“Yep, good.” Dan says, repositioning his legs under him.

“Your turn!” Phil says, grabbing his phone and hitting shuffle.

Dan immediately recognizes it as Lullaby by The Spill Canvas but doesn't say so. Instead, Dan starts singing along to the song, serenading Phil. Dan completely abandons the game, getting caught in the sweet lyrics and that feeling of rediscovering a song and remembering the words.

“While you were sleeping, I figured out everything. I was constructed for you, and you were molded for me. Now I feel your name, coursing through my veins, you shine so bright it's insane. You put the sun to shame,” Dan sings quietly, looking at Phil.

Phil blushes and tries to keep his eyes off of the beautiful boy singing these sweet words to him.

Dan eventually leans in and kisses Phil on the lips. It's not the greatest taste, but the whole my-brain-is-swimming-in-42-proof helps. Dan is only tipsy at best, so he is the smartest of the bunch and actually uses his hands to catch himself when they start to fall over. Phil on the other hand just lets his body fall. He starts giggling out of control as he lands on top of Dan.

“You're so fun,” Phil breathes.

“Thanks.” He huffs. Dan laughs and tries to sit up, but Phil's weight keeps up down.

Phil starts kissing on his neck and Dan can't help but squirm a bit. He isn't in control and he can feel his anxiety spiking. There's a reason he wasn't drinking much.

“Phil,” Dan cations.

But Phil's drunken state takes this as an encouragement rather than a warning. His hand squeezes between their bodies to start to stroke Dan through his pants.

Dan breath hitches and his legs tense.

“Phil _stop,_ ” But he doesn't. Maybe he didn't hear him. A strike of fear runs through Dan.

_Or maybe he doesn't care._

Phil breathes in Dan's ear, “Baby, I want you,” Dan turns his head to the side, thinking of how to get out of this.

“Will you let me take you?”

Dan tries his best to not hurt Phil, but when you completely scramble out from under a person and slightly push them into a table, it gets a little difficult. Dan stands up dizzily and starts slumping to his room, using his hands to balance himself on the walls.

“Dan, what the hell?” Phil says. He's sitting up against the couch, hands on his leg where it had hit the table.

“I'm-” Dan starts. He runs to the bathroom.

Phil flinches as he hears Dan retching, feeling like he needs to do something. He stumbles to the kitchen and gets a glass of water. Phil walks to the bathroom door and hands the water to Dan.

“Are you okay?” Phil says timidly.

“Yeah,” Dan says. He spits in the sink.

“Didn't,” Dan starts, slurring and dizzy. He falls back against the wall. “Didn't mean to hurt you,” He mutters.

“S’okay,” Phil says. His brain was still catching up from all the walking.

But Dan knew how he handled his alcohol. Part of this was an act, he was trying to show Phil he was more drunk than he was to justify the puking.

 

It's because of Cade, right?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what was that all about?? stay tuned


	5. Hit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: this chapter contains a flashback of a suggested sexual abuse scene. it's not in detail and it's fairly quick, but if that is sensitive for you, the flashback starts and ends with ~

Phil wakes up at 3 AM with a pounding headache. 

_What happened last night?_

He tries to piece the puzzle together but the only thing he can remember about while he was drunk was singing songs. 

Dan walks out of his room a few hours later to see Phil sleeping peacefully on the couch. After he wakes up, Dan tests the water. He doesn't seem to remember anything, and Dan is grateful. He was sure sober Phil would've listened to him. 

 

Dan tries to stay happy that he got to see him at all, but the looming loneliness is putting a drag on his day.

 

They're both pretty bored. Phil is sitting on the couch with Dan’s head on his lap, who is dangling his legs over the arm rest. 

“So when are you going to meet my parents?” Phil asks, very casual.

”Meet your parents?” Dan looks up from his phone, confused.

“Yeah,” Phil starts. “That's usually what people do when they’re…” He hesitates a lot with this word, “Dating.”

“Dating?” Dan says, a little too alarmed. He sits up on the couch, facing Phil. 

“Oh come on Dan,” Phil says, suddenly exasperated. “Are we just going to keep pretending we don’t have feelings for each other?” Phil sits up straighter, ready to prove his argument.

“I… don’t know,” Dan is clearly uncomfortable with this situation. “I just need… _time_.”

Phil stares at him, trying to catch his gaze, but he is avoiding him. “Time?” Phil asks incredulously. “It’s been eight months. If that isn’t enough time then I don’t know what would be.”

Dan is trying to stay calm, but his palms are getting sweaty and his mind is running.

“If you're so unsure about this, then why am I here?” Phil asks, almost to himself.

“I-I don’t know if this is what I want.” Dan admits.

“Because you just can’t trust me or something?”

Dan looks at him with his eyes full of hurt. _He knows how I am about that_.

“Normal people aren’t like this,” Phil tries to counter. He isn't sure why he is getting so angry with Dan all of the sudden. _Maybe he doesn't realize how he acts... I hope I'm getting the point across that it's not healthy._

“Why can’t you understand that people that act _like you are right now_ are the reason I have problems.”

“When you get like this…” Phil frustratedly exhales, “I’m trying so hard to be understanding, but it’s really hard if you don’t even know what you’re feeling.” Phil huffs. “You’re not trying. I’m putting so much effort into this relationship, trying to be compliant when you’re too scared, when you don’t want to share your real feelings. But you’re not making any effort to be more open with me. I thought you were getting better…”

_You were going to be the one person I could trust._

“I am fucking _trying_. I invited you here… and I was starting to be more open with you,” Dan is scraping for examples of him being strong. “That’s a big deal to me. This whole thing is huge for me, and I am terrified. I am terrified you’re just going to break me.” His voices cracks.

“Who made you like this, Dan? Why can’t you trust anyone?” Dan breaks his gaze away, staring down. Instant flashbacks from two years ago play in his Dan’s head.

 

~

“I can’t believe you would do that to me,” Dan whispers.

Cade rolls his eyes. 

“It was just a stupid thing, Dan. I was drunk. He didn’t mean anything to me,” He says, nonchalantly. 

Confusion and hurt displays on Dan’s face. “Why are you being so casual about this? I’m sitting here fucking crying and you act like you don’t care because 'it was stupid' and 'I was drunk,'” Dan’s fingers wipe at his tears. “It’s not okay,” Dan chokes out.

“You being so dramatic!” Cade says. “I mean, seriously, do you even love me?”

That question hit Dan pretty hard. _Why would I have been in this relationship for a year if I didn’t?_

“What are you talking about?” Dan asks, eyes squinting.

Cade scoffs and shakes his head. “We’ve been dating for a year and you won’t have sex with me.” 

“Is that all I am to you?” Dan laughs angrily. “A sex toy?”

Cade slams his fist on the couch. “No, you fucking _idiot_.”

Dan jumps and cowers deeper in the seat. 

“I’m in love with you,” Cade says. Dan couldn’t stand it when he would guilt trip him like this. “I want to spend the rest of my life with you, I swear it.“ He whispers. 

Dan just stares at him. “Maybe next time you’re “in love” with someone, you won’t go fucking cheat on them,” Dan stands, his voice full of vemon. 

“Where the fuck are you going?” Cade calls as Dan walks to the front door. “And what do you mean next time?” He stands, going after Dan. 

“We’re over,” Dan says. “Don’t call me, don’t look for me, just leave me alone.” Dan says as he reaches for the handle. But Cade pulls his arm away and spins Dan around to face him, fingers digging into his skin. Dan’s eyes flicker to it, getting scared. 

“Baby, can’t you just forget about this?” Cade says sweetly. The grip on Dan’s arm says otherwise. 

“Yeah, you’re right, I’ll just forget about this, just like I forgot about last time you were drunk and hit me.” 

“Hey, _fuck you_! You know I’m sorry about that,” Dan almost believed him, but the apology didn’t reach his eyes, it never did. 

“If you don’t get the fuck off of me-” Dan tries to pull his arm back, but he only squeezes harder.

Dan hisses through his teeth. _That’ll leave a bruise._

“What? What are you gonna do?” Cade yells. What could he do? Dan was sure taller than Cade, but Cade was much stronger. 

Dan looks down and whispers, “Please let go of me.” He could hear his heart beating in his ears. _Get me out of this nightmare_. 

Cade laughs and throws his arm out of his hand. “That’s right, you won’t do shit because you know you need me.”

Dan knew if he tried to make a break for it right now, he would get caught and have to pay the consequences, just like he did last time. Only this time Cade wasn’t drunk, so he could probably punch a lot harder.

Dan clenches his jaw. 

“You’re right.” He says mechanically, staring at the floor. “I’m overreacting.” The monotone didn’t affect how Cade heard the words. 

“That’s right baby, you love me,” Cade says and wraps his arms around Dan’s torso, pinning him to the door. 

Although Dan didn’t have his bite anymore, he still had his bark. Or, lack thereof. 

“Right?” Cade asks again. Dan squeezes his eyes shut. _Just let me have this one please._

“That’s alright,” Cade tone changes into something Dan had never heard before. Pure, unadulterated anger. 

“You can just _show me_ how much you love me.” 

A chill ran through Dan and tears pricked at his eyes. 

“What do you mean?” Dan says, voice rising in panic. 

“No, no, baby…” Cade cooed in his ear. Dan twitches away from him. 

 

“It won’t hurt that bad.”

~

 

“You can’t just keep being so scared of everything, Dan. You’re a grown man! You’ve got to get out of your head and start thinking... rationally,” Phil pauses. _He doesn’t mean it_ , Dan thinks.

“Stop being so shielded and afraid, and act like you care for once."

Dan is staring at the carpet, eyes dead, completely unmoving. Dan starts to feel his eyes pool and the tears fall. _Repress it, repress it_. 

At this point, Phil is tired of trying to persuade someone who isn't listening. _I know I care about this boy so much, but if he's just going to keep acting like this... maybe we weren't meant to be_. Phil wonders. He sighs and throws his hands up in exhaustion. 

_Oh, please no._

Dan flinches and ducks his head down, instinct taking control. “Please don’t hit me,” He whispers, barely audible.

Phil stares for a second, registering what Dan uttered. _Don't hit me_ , the words ring in his ears. The words sounded familiar and rehearsed on the boys lips... then it hits him. Guilt floods Phil entire body. He runs cold looking at the cowering man in front of him. _You did this to him, Phil. Shit, shit, shit. This explains everything._

Phil says, “Dan,” But before he can get a full sentence out, Dan has stood up swiftly. Nails digging into his palms, he walks hurriedly to his room.

Phil’s jaw starts shaking.

He hears the door slam.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (i cried writing this)


	6. Open

Those following eight hours were the worst ones Phil could recall in his lifetime. 

They both went to bed at 9:30.

For twenty minutes, Phil had to sit and listen to his best friend muffled cries, unable to do anything because he knew if he went into his room that he would be in a world of trouble. All he wanted to do was go in there and hug him and talk until everything was right again.

Phil couldn’t even believe half of the things he'd said. 

_I didn’t know, I didn’t know, I didn’t know._

Phil tries to get sleep, but every thirty minutes he would wake up. His stomach physically hurt from the guilt.

At 3 AM, Phil tosses and gets an uneasy feeling. He runs to the bathroom and throws up in the toilet. He pants and catches his breath. After brushing his teeth and downing some water, he tries to sleep again. 

Phil wakes up for the last time at 6 AM. The birds are chirping outside of the living room window and the sun is starting to rise. 

Phil thinks about what he is going to say to him. He wonders if Dan is planning on saying anything to him, or if he would just tell him to leave. Domestic abuse was something Phil was blessed enough to never have encountered with anyone in his life. _What do you say to a person to make them feel whole again when their life was broken?_ It's like breaking your arm and not having a cast to fix it; Dan didn't have anyone to tell, so no one could help. And so the wound grew back wrong, but Dan is stronger than before.

 

Dan comes out of his bathroom, hair messy.

“I made you coffee,” Phil says quietly from the kitchen.

“Thanks,” Dan says softly.

Phil is leaned against the counter, Dan’s mug on the space opposite of him. Dan turns the corner and grabs the cup, nursing it in his hands. Dan isn’t looking at him.

“Um… you probably won’t believe me when I say this, because I know I probably wouldn’t if someone talked to me the way I talked to you, but I am unbelievable sorry.” Phil swallows. 

“I...” Phil sniffs. “I didn’t know,” His voice cracks as tears form. “I don’t want to lose you.” The tears spill over.

Phil looks up at Dan, who is staring at the linoleum. He nods slowly.

“I know you’re sorry…” Dan mutters. “I didn’t want to tell you. I thought I could just get past it,” A tears slips down Dan’s cheek. “You wouldn’t believe the things he said to me, Phil.” He whispered. 

“No one deserves to be talked to like that. Especially not you." Phil says. 

Dan finally meets Phil’s gaze. Phil almost gasps at how he looks. His eyes were puffy and red, lids drooping.

Dan sets his cup down and walks across the kitchen to Phil. He slowly wraps his arms around Phil’s torso, pushing his face into his neck.

Phil’s tears, which are streaming more frequently now, fall onto Dan's shirt. Phil wraps his arms around him.

“I’m so sorry,” Phil whispers.

“This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do,” Dan breathes deep. “You sounded like him last night.”

Phil chokes on his tears, holding onto the boy. 

“Oh my God,” Phil sobs. “I will never hurt you again.” 

Dan slowly nods.

It’s a moment like no other they had experienced, Phil sobbing while Dan holds him when it should’ve been the other way last night.

“I…” Dan stutters. “I believe you.”

Phil stares into Dan's eyes and whispers, “You're so much more than I knew.”

Dan looks at him with curious eyes. 

“You're so strong. You're so brave. You're not…” Phil looks for the right words. “Pathetic.” Phil chokes another sob. “God, I hate myself.”

Dan doesn't say anything, he just rest his head on Phil's shoulder and breathes him in. _This is Phil. This isn't Cade. This is safe._

“I should’ve told you,” Dan whispers. “I was just so scared you would think he was right in what he did and I didn’t want to have you ruined for me… not yet,” He says.

Phil wasn’t completely sure what Dan was talking about. _Was there more than the abuse?_

“Do you want to talk about it?” Phil asks. Before he even finishes the sentence, Dan is shaking his head against Phil’s shoulder. 

“Okay,” Phil breathes and holds him closer, cheeks cold from the tears. 

They stay like that for minutes, just thinking.

 

It’s still a bit awkward between them. 

They didn’t have anything planned for today and Dan isn’t feeling exactly touchy, so he is faking sleep on the couch while Phil plays a game on the floor. Dan rolls over and starts to “wake up.” He stretches out on the couch, toes pointing and mouth yawning. 

Phil looks back at him and Dan gives him a sleepy smile. Phil returns the action and starts to play again. 

“Hey Phil,” Dan says to get Phil’s attention. “It would be an absolute miracle if you didn’t take offense to this…” _Oh no,_ Phil thinks, _he’s gonna ask me to leave early._

“But could you maybe go out for a bit?” Dan says as politely as he can. 

“I just...I need to be alone for a few hours. I need to get my thoughts in order, without having to worry about making sure you’re not extremely bored,” Dan laughs. 

Of all of the things Dan could’ve said, Phil is glad it was this. He could relate. He cherished his alone time and knew how exhausting it was to be around someone for four days straight. Plus, he wanted to go to that new mall and pick up some flowers for Dan. 

“Yeah,” Phil says, relieved. “Yeah, of course.” Dan lets out a huge breath, glad that Phil understood. 

Phil stands up and swoops down to press a kiss to Dan’s cheek. 

“Just text me when you’re ready, okay?” Phil says. 

“Thank you,” Dan says. He grabs Phil’s hand. “Seriously, thank you.” He gives it a squeeze.

Phil squeezes back and nods with a smile. 

Dan watches as Phil puts on his shoes, grabs his keys and walks out the door. 

 

Phil walks up the stairs to Dan’s complex. Turning the key (the one he keeps under the mat) into the door leading to the lounge, he is taken aback by the darkness. “Dan?” Phil calls out into the apartment.

He sets his bag from the mall down and peeks into the kitchen.

“Oh sorry,” He hears Dan say quietly from his room.

Dan comes out the room, walks up to Phil and takes his hand. “I have something I want to show you.”

“Follow me,” Dan says, walking toward the hallway.

_Oh God is this his red room? Is that why he wouldn't let me in his room? No, you idiot, Dan isn't into that._

_I think._

“What’re you doing?” Phil almost stammers as Dan opens the door to his room. 

_This is it, Howell._

“I want to play for you.” Dan says shakily, guiding Phil to sit down on his bed, hoping he takes note of the abundance of tea candles around the piano.

“You claimed I’m not opening up to you,-” Dan starts, standing in front of Phil. 

“Dan,” Phil says, starting his apology.

“No, no, you were right,” Dan says. “You're not like him. You won't hurt me,” Those words still give Phil chills. He can only imagine what Dan sees when he thinks about it. Phil hopes he doesn't mention it again so he can finally leave it in the past.

“I was keeping you at a close distance,” Dan hesitates and licks his lips, picking his words carefully. 

“But now I’m ready for you to come as close as you want." 

Phil looks slightly confused but obliges. 

Dan sits down at his stool by the piano and shudders out an unsure breath, heart hammering. _What if I mess up?_

He knew that was an irrational thought, this piece is the first score of classical music he ever learned; he could play it with his eyes closed. Plus, it’s not like Phil would even mind (or maybe even notice) if he did.

 _Huh,_ Dan thinks, _So this is what it feels like to trust someone._

He brings his hands to the ivory keys slowly and begins playing.

With the first few beautiful chords, Phil feels his body relaxing. The beautiful simple piano gives him chills. It feels like a sedative has been injected in his bloodstream and he waits as it reaches his fingertips and shins. He can barely make out Dan’s slender fingers in the dim light of the candles, but he can tell they’re moving like art.

This whole thing feels very surreal. Phil is actually in his room, on his bed, listening to him play something he holds close to his heart. Not even a year ago, he was a just another fan, wishing he could just meet him. After months of getting to know this wonderful, strong person, (with neither of them sure where this is really going) feeling him slowly open up to him like this is unbelievably reassuring. 

The song picks up near the middle with some easy-to-miss finger technicalities. Dan plays it perfectly, knowing this song like his childhood home.

The mood in the room is unlike any other Dan has experienced. There’s the anxiety he is radiating, the new mood of sadness of Phil and the relaxation of the music. Dan’s brain is screaming at him to stop playing right now and turn around and _what is Phil doing in your personal space?_ And kick him out of his house. But Dan doesn’t listen to his instincts. He just focuses on the music. 

He slows the song down, savoring the stillness in the legato notes and the deep bass as it echoes throughout the room. Phil’s eyes have been closed for some time now, letting the music transport him to a different place, although this one was perfectly fine. As the song ends, Dan holds the chord and exhales. He turns around to face Phil, where he stared at him in awe.

“That was… amazing.” Phil whispers, not wanting to disturb the peaceful silence of the room.

“You think?” Dan almost smiles. He turns around on the bench to face the bed. 

Phil nods and stands up, slowly walking over to the boy. He cups Dan's face with one hand and kisses him for the first time in two days. He pulls away after a second, and whispers, “Thank you,” on his lips. Their eyes are blown in adoration for each other. 

Phil picks up one of Dan’s hands and examines it. The tips of his fingers are slightly shaking.

Dan reaches his hand up to sweep his thumb across Phil’s jaw. Phil almost feels blessed to have the same fingers that have been programmed with muscle memory to create beautiful art dance around his own pale skin like that. 

“You’re welcome,” Dan whispers back. Phil kisses him on the lips again, soft and deep, hoping that when words fail, this can show his gratitude for opening up to him. Dan pulls Phil onto his lap so he's straddling his hips.

Their lips collide and lock at all the right moments. Dan has to open his eyes a few times to make sure neither of them were close to the candles. Phil loses his balances for a second and his hand slams into the piano keys, making an awful loud sound, but they just ignore it. 

Then, almost like the thought hit Dan as if it fell out of the sky, he abruptly breaks away from Phil’s lips and breathes, “I love you.” 

Phil’s chest does something foreign. _This gorgeous, complicated, brilliant guy loves_ me?

“I love you too,” Phil says after a short recovery from the shock. 

Dan heart flutters into oblivion. This was the first time he'd told anyone that and actually meant it. A rush of so many feelings hits him like a ton of bricks. He's excited, in love, terrified. 

_Phil doesn't hurt you._

“Be my best friend,” Dan pecks his lips. “Be my boyfriend,” and again. “Move in with me,” Kiss. A blush sweeps over Phil’s cheek when he mentions the word boyfriend. Phil hears a slight ringing in his ears.

“Yes, yes, and,” Phil shakes his head, laughing. “I still have two years left of Uni.” 

Dan kisses him again. “After that,” He leaves a wet trail to his neck, where his lips start to make a hickey. Dan’s hair tickles Phil’s jaw. Phil’s head tilts back, and his lips part as Dan sucks. 

“And what about after that?” Phil asks breathily. 

“I don't know,” He pulls away to mutter. “Marry me?”

Phil starts laughing a bit, but Dan is still working on his neck. 

“Woah Dan, slow down, do you just ask me to marry you?” Phil says, giggling a bit. 

“I mean, I don't know, I'm just pulling out all the stops today anyways,” He looks into Phil's eyes for the first time in a minute. Phil smiles at him and Dan smiles back, but it's not too long before he ducks back down to Phil's neck, arms getting tighter around Phil’s waist, hands gripping his shirt.

“You're awfully touchy tonight,” Phil plays. He slightly moans from the feeling of Dan's hot wet lips on his neck. 

“Just let me have my way,” Dan mutters on Phil's neck. 

“And what's your way?”

Dan pauses to look at the red spot he has created. 

“You.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the piece i imagined him playing is Avril 14th by Aphex Twin, if u wanted to give it a listen it's v pretty and i love it :-)  
> (fun fact: i wrote the piano scene first as just a lil thing, like two paragraphs, then I decided to write the rest of the story so it's my fav part)


	7. Leave

Dan rolls over in his bed. Well, he almost rolls over—there's a person blocking his way. 

Last night, Dan invited him to stay in his bed. 

But this was the morning after. If “after” was literal hours of touching and giggling and playing piano badly (on Phil's account). 

 

~

 

“You.” Dan says and picks up his boyfriend by the legs. Phil’s legs wrap around Dan’s waist, trying to not giggle as Dan attempts to kiss him. Dan takes the few paces to his bed with heavy breathing (Phil is not a small man, and Dan is not a strong one). Phil really laughs when Dan drops his back-first on the bed and towers over him. 

“I’m gonna making you stop laughing and start moaning here in a minute,” Dan threatens. 

Dan almost laughs when Phil’s eyes go wide and his smile fades, any trace of humor leaving. 

Dan keeps up the facade for a few more seconds, staring intensely into Phil’s eyes until he breaks and says, “I’m joking, you baby,” with a laugh.

But Phil doesn’t laugh.

“What if I didn’t want you to be joking?”

Now it’s Dan’s turn with the surprised face. 

“Do you really want to?” Phil asks, with Dan still hovering over his body. Dan drapes his forearms over Phil’s legs where they still hang in the air. 

Dan shrugs. “I don't know.” 

“Not unless you’re one hundred percent sure.”

Dan looks at a candle in the background. 

“Not tonight,” Dan whispers. He feels emotional drained tonight and his anxiety is out of the roof as it is. 

_There’s no need for sex just because it’s convenient tonight._

Phil nods. "Okay." He whispers back. 

He swoops in near Phil’s face and kisses him gingerly. _There's the difference._

“Oh actually, I have something for you!” Phil says, suddenly remembering the flowers he got. “I’ll be right back.”

He dashes down the stairs in the dark, which is harder than it sounds.

When Dan hears Phil coming back up the stairs, he tries to look busier than he is.

“For the winning pianist tonight…” Phil says, brandishing the flowers from behind his back. Dan’s face lights up when he sees the tulips.

"Did you know?" Dan questions him. 

"Know what?" Phil asks. 

"These are my favorite." Dan says and smiles at the bouquet, smelling them. 

Phil smiles to himself. "Lucky guess." He giggles. 

"Thank you." Dan smiles and kisses Phil on the cheek. He places the flowers on the bedside table, mentally noting to buy a vase. 

“Y’know, I’d better blow these candles out before they burn the house down,” Dan stands up fully and strides over to the piano. Phil sits down and puts his back against the headboard of the bed. 

He blows out the candles, careful to not blow the wax out of the tins. 

“I didn’t know you played piano…” Phil says idly. 

Dan nods while he works on cleaning up.

“Yeah, I’ve been playing ever since I could remember—well that’s quite snobby to say, isn’t it? I think everyone knew how to play chopsticks as a kid—but yeah, no, I-I don’t play for people.” Dan turns on the melted amber rock lamp, igniting the wall in fierce oranges and reds. 

“...Didn’t?” Dan says, questioning himself. He shakes the inquiry out his head. He talked to himself a lot. He figured it was a repercussion of the whole YouTube thing. 

“Oh,” Phil says. The statement of this action finally came into proportion when he mentioned he didn’t play for people. 

“Well, honestly, I thought it was very lovely,” Phil says.

Dan sits down on the edge of the bed, facing Phil. 

“Well, honestly, thank you,” Dan says, echoing Phil. He leans in and kisses Phil again. 

“So what else can you play?” Phil asks when his lips are free.

“Well let’s see…” Dan starts to think. 

“I can play some Muse, Moonlight Sonata, some Radiohead, some other arrangements from video games.” Dan stares at the piano. 

“Tonight I played the first song I ever learned on piano. It's not old, but it sounds amazing on this geriatric thing.” Dan laughs. 

Phil is in a slight state of wonderment. He knew Dan was deep, but this was like a whole new person Phil hadn’t met yet. 

“Yeah, well, I can play the Rugrats theme song.” Phil says, fake bragging. 

“Oh, watch out, we’ve got a badass in here,” Dan says, throwing his hands up. “Go on, then,” Dan says, motioning to the piano. 

Then Phil remembers _oh wait, no, my friend in elementary school could play it, and I was really good at standing by and pretending to._

But instead of telling Dan that, he confidently strides to the piano and sits on the stool. 

He timidly pushes one key to test it out. Then another. 

“I do believe it starts on a C dyad,” Dan tries to help, but realizes too late that that probably means nothing to him. And when he presses a G and G# together, they both can't help but cringe a bit. At this point, Dan can tell he didn’t know what he was doing.

Dan stands and walks over. 

“No, no, I’ve got this,” Phil says stubbornly. 

“Okay, okay,” Dan says, sitting in the other side of Phil. Dan props his head up with his hand to watch Phil, elbow smashing a few keys. Phil starts to laugh and looks at Dan. 

“I don't think I remember how,” Phil whispers. 

Dan giggles and picks up Phil's hand. He takes his two first fingers and places them on C and E, respectively. When that familiar chord is struck, Phil's eyes light up. 

“Oh, oh, I've got it now,” Phil says. 

“Do you?” Dan laughs. Phil nods, laughing too. 

He places the C and E together again and then moves both fingers up one key. 

“I'm so good at this,” Phil says. This throws Dan in a bit of a laughing fit. 

“I mean really, it took me 7 years of playing to master this one,” Dan says, poking fun at Phil. 

“Try to not get jealous okay?” Phil says, trying to be completely serious but failing when his tongue does that thing. His fingers continue up until it's time to descend again and he repeats the motion. Phil looks at Dan when it doesn't sound right. 

“No, you skip two keys with this one,” Dan says, moving Phil's hand to the left. 

“Knew that,” Phil mutters and Dan giggles. He ends the jingle with a beaming smile at Dan. Dan claps and Phil bows as much as he can while sitting. 

“That was impressive,” Dan says. 

“Your turn,”

“To do what? Play the Rugrats theme song?” Dan laughs.

“To impress me!” Phil says hands unveiling the keys. 

“Oh, okay,” Dan snickers. He considers playing Hot Cross Buns as a joke, but then he realizes he actually likes sharing his music with Phil. 

“D’you need me to move?” Phil asks. 

“No, you're fine,” Dan says. 

Then he plays an original song he found online. The melody starts dark and haunting and it gets more intense and fast. It’s one of Dan’s favorite pieces ever. It reminds him of a ballroom waltz with a minor twist. 

Phil stares as his fingers move too fast for him too catch. _This song is seriously amazing._

_So is this boy._

“How long did it take you to learn that?” Phil asks. 

“Eh, two months,” Dan says, transitioning the song into Sunburn by Muse. 

“Oh I like this one!” Phil says. 

“And what? You didn't like the other one?” Dan jokes. Phil giggles.

“Of course I did. I just know this one,” Phil says. Dan laughs lightly as Phil starts to sing along. 

“My neighbors probably hate me right now,” He says. 

“How could they hate you when you play them such beautiful music at-” Phil peeks around Dan's body to catch a glimpse of him alarm clock, “9 PM.” 

“At least you know I appreciate it,” Phil giggles. Dan smiles at Phil, hands still playing. Phil stands up and begins to walk around his room. He starts at Dan's dresser which has the random stuff he uses to get ready in the morning. 

Dan smiles to himself. It was the strangest feeling, having Phil in his room while he plays his music. 

“Wow, Dan what is this?” Phil laughs, pointing to a caricature. Dan pauses the music to turn around see what Phil was talking about. 

“Oh that,” He laughs. He starts playing again. “It's a caricature of Justin Bieber and I,” He says. “I didn't know if you would say anything about it.”

Phil laughs. “Do people usually say anything?” 

“Wouldn't know,” Dan shrugs. “No one’s ever been in here.”

Phil looks at the boy. _No one else had been in here?_

Dan continues playing a song he learned a month ago. Phil walks straight over to him and Dan turns his head to look at him. Without a word, Phil kisses him again.

Dan reciprocates, fingers stopping on the piano. Phil pulls away and continues around the room. 

 

~

 

Neither of the boys could remember a time when they were together so absolutely giddy. Phil looks up at the boy who is almost on top of him. 

“Good morning,” Phil’s voice cracks. Dan holds back a laugh until Phil laughs first. 

Dan folds his hands on Phil’s chest, rests his head on them and gazes at him.

_God he looks so cute,_ Phil thinks. _His curly hair and his sleepy smile._ Dan smiles at him, making his eyes crinkle. _I could literally stare at him all day._

“You’re in my room,” Dan notes.

“Yeah,” Phil says. His eyes wander around the space, taking it all in with the better lighting. 

“I like it,” Phil smiles at Dan. Dan’s smile fades as he stares back and says, “Me too.”

“Could you say that thing again?” Phil asks.

“And what’s that?” Dan replies.

“That sweet thing you said yesterday,” 

“I think I said a lot of sweet things yesterday,” Dan jokes. _But I think I know which one you’re talking about._

“C’mooon. Y’know. The one,” Phil hints. 

“Oh! That I…” Dan starts. Phil’s eyes light up. “Ordered pizza?” Dan guesses.

“No, that wasn’t the one,” Phil’s eyes squint, realizing what he’s doing.

Dan plays with a strand of Phil’s hair.

“Oh wait I got it now,” Dan sniffs. “I… want you to be my boyfriend,” Dan confidently says with a smile.

“Well, while that was very sweet, that isn’t quite it,” Phil plays.

Dan puts on a thinking face.

“I… want you to move in with me?” Dan proposes.

“You’re getting there…” Phil smirks. 

“Well, it can’t be that I love you,” Dan says, looking at the wall. Phil looks confused. Dan’s eyes flick back to Phil’s. “Because you already knew that,” Dan says. He pushes their lips together quickly. 

“Say it again,” Phil says, biting his lip.

“I love you,” Dan whispers.

“I love you more,” Phil says and he kisses his cheek. 

“No, I love my boyfriend the most,” Dan says back. A flare of excitement runs through Phil from the pit of his stomach. 

“Oh shit, morning breath,” Dan says, disgusted with himself, covering his mouth. 

“I didn’t notice,” Phil says. “Oh wait, are you talking about me?” Phil covers his mouth.

“No, no,” Dan laughs as he rolls back over and stands up.

Phil makes a noise of protest and Dan quickly snaps his head back. 

_That was the cutest goddamn noise I’ve ever heard._

_Why’s he looking at me like I’m a kitten?_ Phil thinks. 

“Where are you going?” Phil says sadly. 

“I was going to go brush my teeth, but when you make little sounds like that I think you changed my mind.” Phil smiles and rolls out too. 

“Yeah, I guess it’s not a bad idea to get the day started,”

“Ugh, but I don’t want it to start,” Dan says as he exits the room. “Because that means it’ll end, and that means it’ll be tomorrow and that means you won’t be here,” He whines as the mopes to the kitchen. 

“I’m always a phone call away, you know that,” Phil responds, starting his coffee. 

“It’s _so_ not the same,” Dan says. 

Then Phil starts singing Soulja Boy’s “Kiss Me Thru The Phone” and the moment is gone. 

 

When four o’clock rolls around, Phil’s bags are (unfortunately) packed and Dan is nearing that time period he likes to call post-Phil depression. 

Dan is doing his damnedest to convince Phil _just one more day, pleaaase_ but Phil isn’t having it, as much as he would like to. 

Dan is currently on the last-ditch effort of that intricate 5 step plan. And the fifth step is to make out with him until “Oh no! The time slipped away! Better just leave in the morning,” is uttered from this ridiculously kissable creature in his arms.

But this particular step has holes in it, such as Phil saying things like, “Dan, you know I have to leave soon and I can’t resist you when you beg,” and “Okay babe, but only five more minutes,” and “Dan seriously aren’t your lips tired?” 

Dan knew this plan was at about a 5% success rate, but hey, at least it was fun to execute.

Dan completely understands that Phil’s family plans are important and Yay, Christmas! but everyone knows that college students don’t get another big break until Spring which feels about 6 years away. 

“Nope, not at all. I could do this all day,” Dan lies through his teeth. 

“Okay, well, you just about have,” Phil says, laughing. 

Phil stands up and Dan tries to recreate that noise Phil made this morning. 

Dan personally thinks he did it perfect, but it doesn’t seem to have the same effect on Phil. 

“Come on Dan, don’t act like I want to go either,” Phil says. 

With a final defeat and moan, Dan stands. 

“I know,” He says, moping. 

Dan picks up a duffel bag and walks downstairs with Phil trailing behind him. They make it outside and Dan walks to Phil’s car. After his stuff is loaded, Phil look at Dan one last time. 

Dan pouts his lip out. Phil laughs and wraps his arms around the other boy. 

“Don’t you fucking forget to text me when you get there, okay?” Dan says, squeezing Phil. 

“Okay, Mum,” He giggles. “Love you,” He says. 

Dan finally releases his death grip and pulls back. 

“Love you too,” He decides to make this kiss a quick one, because combined with that 30 minutes of making out and this cold winter wind, his lips aren’t feeling awesome. 

Phil climbs in his car and Dan waves goodbye as he pulls out of the spot and drives away. 

 

A few hours later Dan gets a text.

 

Phil: Just pulled into Mum’s driveway! 

Phil: Oh no, I forgot something 

Dan: what?? 

Phil: My heart 

Dan: oh shut the fuck up you cheeky bastard

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is so fluffy and pure i love it so much but ya and just like that it's over!! it was so fun writing this and i hope you enjoyed it!! please leave feedback and maybe i'll start to write more :-)) thanks for reading!
> 
> (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=17YNCMdV1TY okay but like imagine Dan playing the first 1:30)


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